When I stop trying to fit in, I set myself free

I am a very sensitive person.

Only glancing at someone's facial expressions or body language, I can tell pretty well how their emotions are.

Soon, I realized I could use this gift to make everyone love me.

I talked what they wanted to hear and did what they wished me to do.

I had acquired skills to be whoever they needed me. I had so many friends in every walk of life, across countries, cities, ages.

If I need to fit in, I could do it in an instant.

"Easily adapt to the new environment" - I proudly said that in a job interview.

Employers seem to love that kind of answer. I can see that in their eyes.

What can they expect more from a candidate who is willing to get along well with their people, right?

However, deep down, I knew, mostly, this wasn't the real me. I wasn't that "nice".

I still had my own preference. But that part of me hardly dared to show up.

I said Yes when all I wanted was to say No.

I said No when I wanted to say Yes.

I made excuses that I needed to scarify myself to have better positions in life. The truth was that I badly wanted to fit in and be accepted by others no matter what.

I was so afraid they would leave me if they saw my true self. I might appear to be too weird, imperfect and not really "nice" as they had known me.

I hid myself to the point that I even forgot my own characteristic, uniqueness, dreams and hobbies.

I became a complete stranger in the book of my life.

"What is the meaning of all these things?"

"What if I just need to be myself and still have a meaningful life?"

At some points, I started to have these questions.

Slowly, I noticed it more and intended to find the answer.

"I want to be myself."- This thought came out of of nowhere.

Somehow, I believe it. I believe that I can be myself and have a meaningful life as well.

This new belief makes me feel so peaceful inside.

It felt like this was something so obvious like the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.

It felt like I am meant to be myself. It is my right.

One thing leaded to the other, I started to come back to the real me.

The me who is always quiet, sensitive, introvert but very driven.

The me who loves crying over little things.

The me who didn't like gossiping nights anymore but loves spending time alone writing and working on my goals.

Dare to say No when she wants to.

And say Yes to things she is crazy about even if she is nervous like hell.

I am like a captain who takes back the control of my ship. Of course, so many people decided to get out of my ship as well.

They couldn't accept the "new" me. They think I am arrogant, selfish, and just "too much".

I have learned that when you dare to do what you want, you will remind others that they can do that too. However, if they don't dare to do that, looking at you will triggers that fear inside them. They will see you so annoying. It is their own problem. They are the ones who annoy themselves.

I couldn't judge them at all as I was also like that for so many years - being jealous of the light of others. Maybe they will change or not, but they are not my people at this time.

Like me, you might feel sad. However, the truth is that we can get over it. We are stronger than we think.

The cost of losing yourself is much more painful than losing someone who is not your people.

I can also see some people trying not to fit in by becoming extremely different to express their individuality. Well, for me, this is just another fear called the fear of being invisible.

We are all seen. They key is only to be yourself.

When you are yourself, you will taste the joy of freedom and live the life you want.

You have love for yourself but also respect the needs of others.

You will not have an easy life but the challenging and meaningful one.

And you will meet those who love you just the way you are.

There is nothing beautiful than that, believe me.

Here are some tips for you to peacefully reveal your true self to the world.

1. Know what you want

Your feeling will guide you.

If you don't feel good, say No.

If you feel expanded and light in your inner core, no matter how scared you are, say Yes.

You also matter as anyone else in the world. Just always remember it when you do anything in your life.

2. Take small actions everyday

Imagine one day you wake up and decide to be just yourself from now on. You jump out to work and say No to everything you don't feel like to do. Can you do it?

I can't. It was too scary. The part of me who is still begging for love would be freaked out.

Instead, I take a small step every day. I reveal my true self gradually while at the same time, and importantly, love my imperfect self on that journey. For me, it is the real meaning of life journey.

3. Fake it until you make it.

Up until now, sometimes I am still scared when I speak up my voice. I caught myself look smaller, arms crossed and head down.

In these cases, I will pretend like "I am confidently showing my true self". I push my shoulder back, open my chest and stand up straight. And peacefully raise my voice.

Your brain don't know if it is real or not so if you can fake it, you are sending message to your brain to reinforce that you can do it. Then you know, it will then give you more strengths to really do that.